


Waiting to Breathe

by Kozmicg



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Getting Together, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, LGBTQ Character of Color, M/M, Nonbinary Character, Parent Death, Queer Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-06-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:07:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24177121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kozmicg/pseuds/Kozmicg
Summary: What happens when you stop waiting for your life to start? Buck had given his all and he had nothing. Maybe he had just been looking in the wrong place.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Original Male Character(s), Henrietta "Hen" Wilson/Karen Wilson, Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Comments: 1
Kudos: 23





	1. Gravity

**Author's Note:**

> My first fan fic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2007- Vallejo, California 
> 
> Buck is a 15 year old High School Student at Madison Academy

Evan had almost made it in to their room when their father saw them. It wasn't their fault that the train was running behind. Why did they decide to go out with Q on a Thursday? 

After relocating to the dining room his father began to speak **“Listen here young man. You will not embarrass me.”** Evan had seen their father angry before but nothing like this. Ethan Buckley was a tall man, well over 6 feet tall, whose imposing figure sent a shiver down Evan’s spine. Ethan stood over them with his finger pointing directly in to their face when he roared, **“Take a seat**. “ Evan hung their head and walked over to the mahogany kitchen table. They felt out of place in the country themed kitchen with it’s checker board linens and pansy covered wallpaper.

They moved to Vallejo six months after mother left. Her absence is something that the Buckley’s weren’t allowed to acknowledge. While they know mother fled a loveless marriage after of 18 years it did little to mitigate the pain. Why hadn't she called or sent a card? Did she even care? Evan was left alone with Dad, the parent who never truly connected with his children. their sister Maddie left 5 years ago and their older brother Matthew moved to Belgium 3 years ago. It's as if everyone has forgotten they youngest Buckley. 

**“ What are you wearing?”** Buck looked down at their shoes, hoping they could somehow disappear. They were women's boots black patent leather with a 4 1/2 inch heel. They were discovered during a shopping escapade with Miranda. Ethan repeated himself **" WHAT. ARE. YOU. WEARING?"**

Evan had joined an online forum for LGBTQIA youth about a year ago. At first it was because they were questioning their sexual identity. They liked boys, like liked. But soon it began apparent that they didn't feel exactly male. Some days they felt more like a girl or boy or a combination of the two. both. When they found a name for it, _non- binary_ something clicked for them. They could finally name the thing they had always felt inside. They slowly made their way down the path to acceptance as wonderful as it could be at often felt overwhelming. They chatted with a guy from the forum, QforU123. Q was a student at Cal State University San Francisco. Q identified as both pan sexual and non binary.

They shook their head and answered slowly, **" Jeans, a corset and boats."** They looked down. They had worn a black leather jacket because of the chilly air in the city. Underneath the jacket they had on a indigo color corset with beautiful lace detail and crystals that glittered in the light. Their hands began to sweat and rubbing their hand against their pants didn't seem to help. 

**" Really, I thought we had talked about this Evan. You go to school, get good grades and behave yourself. That doesn't include you dressing like a sissy and parading about the east bay."** his father said with exasperation.

 **"But I . . "** Evan started but was cut off. **"But nothing, I thought you grew out of this, you are a boy and not a girl."** Ethan ran both hands through his dark hair and walked towards the french doors just to the left of the table. Looking out of the panes he began , **" You're confused and this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you. Take your clothes, including the shoes and put them in a trash bag."** **"But Dad, I promise I'll be better. I'm not confused. I'm just non binary and queer."** Immediately Evan knew that was the wrong thing to say. Ethan exploded, reaching across the table he took hold of Evan's jacket collar and push them up and back in to the wall. He slammed him in to the wall there was a dent in the dry wall. Their father panted and glared. Pushing his face close and stated with with cool fierceness in his voice. **" I never want to hear those words from you again. I will not have this in my house. You are not and will never be a fucking queer."** He then let go. Evan slid down and dropped into a heap on to the cool slate floor. Their father began walking towards the back staircase and yelled **" Get your faggot clothes in the bag and get them out of this house. I'm going to bed and tomorrow we're going to get you back on track."**


	2. Brave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Present Day Los Angeles 
> 
> Evan is now Buck. Evan at 15 stopped existing because they couldn't hear that name and pretend that they were a whole person.
> 
> Buck now uses he/him pronouns but isn't exactly comfortable with that decision
> 
> This is a short chapter. Chapter 3 should be much longer and Eddie will make an appearance.

He had just moved in and the sun poured in through the window woke him. _I'll have to get some black out curtains this weekend_ , he thought. He went to stretch his arms above his head and came in contact with something. _Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck._ He had gone out the night before and he was lonely like always. This time he gave in to his need for affection and hooked up with this really cool guy _umm, his name was right on the tip of his tongue. Was it Eric? or Paul, Tom? no it was Eddie._ The guy, Eddie chose that moment to roll over and kiss him. Could he kiss. It was as if he hadn't had a real kiss until this morning.

Eddie opened is eyes and said, " _**Good morning beautiful**_.

" _ **Ugh yeah, good morning, had a great time, great time but I have to get to my job soon**."_ Buck stuttered.

" ** _Oh yeah sure, I have to get my son to school and go to my new assignment_** " Eddie said ,the hope of seeing Buck again slowly disappearing.

Eddie quickly realized that Buck’s whole demeanor had changed. The guy who had picked him up ,who was this sexy confidence and with a distinct gentleness in his hazel eyes was gone. The mysterious and sweet stranger was replaced by a quiet almost fearful person. He didn't know who the real Buck was but something told him that this person was special. Eddie scrambled to pull his shirt over his head. He then reflexively padded his pockets checking for his keys and his wallet.

 _ **Eddie tried to maintain a light and friendly tone when he turned to Buck and said "Let me know when we can get together sometime**_." I put my number in your phone, I'm Fireman Eddie. He then leaned forward for one last kiss before exiting the door. 

Buck watched as Eddie turned out of the parking lot and on to Cesar Chavez Blvd. He didn't think he would call Eddie. He never calls. He was comfortable with casual relationships because he didn’t have to worry about sharing the important parts of himself. The parts of himself that he tried to forget about. The masculine artifice that he built to survive was far too weak to hold up to the daily scrutiny of a partner. He sometimes wore a necklace on hard days. Today was going to be a hard day. The necklace was a gold chain with a large emerald surrounded by diamonds. It had been mothers. He found it one day 10 years ago when he was looking for boxes to pack his things for University. It reminded him of the past ,of her affection ,of who he could have been if she had stayed. If he didn't have to be the man his father wanted.

********

118's right ride back to the station after their first run had been solemn. They had been called out to an apartment building fire. 10 stories of burning fury stood before them. Everything that could have gone wrong did. The hydrants had been blocked by parked cars. The fire alarms hadn't sounded. Thankfully someone had noticed the building a flame and called 9-1-1.

Maddie, " **9-1-1 What's the emergency?** " 

Good Samaritan " **There is an apartment building near Sunset that is on fire." Um its near Figueroa**


	3. Under Pressure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Surprise, Surprise, Eddie returns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My beta linzil will be helping with the next chapters. I finished this in the early AM before breakfast. I now want breakfast tacos.

" **Christopher are you sure your homework folder is in your backpack?"** Eddie yelled as he attempted to finish packing their lunches. **"**

 **"Yes Dad.I put it in my bag last night after my bath"** Christopher babbled excitedly. Today was his first day at a new school and he wanted everything to be perfect. 

Eddie knelt down and fixed his son's collar and said **" Ok Mijo let's go then. After school your Tia is going to pick you up and take you to Abuela's house.** **Its my first day at the fire house and I'll see you tomorrow after school. "**

 **"Ok Dad, I'm sure everything will be ok. You got this"** The eight year old said this with such certainty in his voice that Eddie had been caught off guard. 

Eddie turns and looks down at his son and whispers " **How did I get so lucky** ," as he tousles his son's curly brown locks. 

Eddie pulled up to the Firehouse a little before 10 AM. It was quiet out front with everyone out on a call. Eddie grabbed his duffel and messenger bag out of his truck and walked towards the open bay. Looking around the interior bathed in the warm morning light he tried to see if he could get a feel for the crew he had yet to meet. There wasn't much that was personal just a few items here an there. He hoped he got along with everyone. It is essential in this type of occupation, eating together, sleeping, working around the clock. It was what attracted him to the job after leaving the military. The comradery of the firehouse was akin to his unit in Afghanistan. The since of belonging kept him grounded in a way that little else in civilian life outside of his family had given him. Once he located an empty locker he placed his personal items inside and labeled the door before securing with a lock. He looked around and decided to tidy up a bit until everyone returned. He took out the trash, swept the floors, checked the equipment, and vacuumed the TV room. He had just finished putting away the cleaning supplies when the fire truck pulled up the drive. Rather than meeting everyone as the jumped off the truck He decided to wait in the Captains office. He took a seat in a chair that was an old relic of the 80's and waited. Moments later Bobby, a tall fit White man in his late 40's, entered. 

Bobby **" Good Afternoon You must be the new transfer"**

Eddie: **Yes I'm Edmundo Diaz, everyone calls me Eddie.**

They shake hands 

Bobby **" Nice to met you Eddie, Welcome to 118, I'll introduce you to everyone while I give you the grand tour."**

Eddie followed Bobby out towards the locker room, As he walked towards the lockers a Black woman with a shaved head and green cat-eye glasses stepped out of a room marked Sleeping quarters. 

Bobby, extending his open hand, announces **"Hen I'd like to introduce you to Eddie Diaz he's joining us from San Antonio, TX "**

Hen extends her hand to shake and smiles warmly. **" Welcome, Welcome, I know what its like to be in a new place. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help."**

Next he rounds on 2 people arguing about about something when Bobby interjected, **" Hey, Hey Hey guys , at least show the new guy the best side of you for today. "** This is Eddie Diaz and he is joining the crew. 

An Asian man in his late thirties smiles broadly and extends his hand before saying, **"Hi Eddie, " I'm Chim and this is Mike " ,** Mike was a short very tan White guy with what looked like a very expensive haircut. 

**" Nice to meet you both"** Eddie said as he reached out and shook their hands. 

They made their way through the firehouse and finally in to the locker area. Bobby began, **" And last but not least ... "**

 **"Evan ?"** said Eddie cutting off Bobby spiel. 

**"Ugh, umm, Hi Eddie. Nice to see you."** Buck managed to get out as a pink hue spread across his cheeks. He hadn't expected to see Eddie again, let alone at his job. 

Bobby turned to Buck and posed a question, **" I didn't know you went by Evan. Do you go by Buck or Evan?"**

 **" Usually Buck but Maddie, my Dad some old friends call me Evan"** Buck stammered. 

**"Ok then I'll leave you to catch up with an old friend."** Bobby walked away. 

Eddie began speaking as soon as Bobby turned to walk away **. " Its great to see you again. I'm surprised you hadn't mentioned being a fire fighter. I hope we can work together and maybe even be friends or."** Eddie's last sentence hung in the air. Clearly he was voicing the hope, the possibility that Eddie and Evan could have more than just one fun night together. He observed Evan's reaction and it wasn't what he had wished for. The playfulness that he had seen in Evan's eyes during the brief time that had spent together was gone. One didn't need to be a combat veteran to see the fear in his eyes and the way the smile on his face didn't seem genuine. Before Eddie could gather himself Evan slapped him on the shoulder and said quietly 

**"Lets just get through this shift and I'll be happy to grab breakfast tomorrow. We can talk then. "**

**********************************************************************

Cafe Mateo is a small place that isn't at all close to the fire house. The proprietor, Mateo ,makes the best coffee in town. The menu is primarily Mexican cuisine with the most popular item being the chilaquiles. Buck parked his Jeep in the back and walked towards the orange door of the restaurant. He frequented Mateo's at least twice a week after a shift or a night on the town. A bell rang as he entered the door and Mateo's wife Maribel greeted him. **"Buenos Dias."**

" **Good Morning Maribel. How have you been?"** Buck had met Maribel the first time he came to the cafe. It had been several years ago when he first moved to LA. He was sitting in the corner of he restaurant looking out towards the boulevard trying and failing to forget what his dad had said to him the night before. 

**"Really Evan? Why LA of all places? You better not be moving there to pick up your dreaded high school habits?"** That's what Ethan Buckley called his gender expression and sexuality. To him it was filthy habit that should be quashed. What Ethan didn't know was that since leaving at 18 he had been able to express his true self. Admittedly he wasn't as open as he wanted to be but for now it was enough. It was enough to dress up and hook up with cute guys now and again. He had tried his father's way for the last years of high school and it was agonizing. He stayed connected with Q and his other forum friends but he didn't go to the city with them or wear the clothes that he adored. 

Buck wiped his brow and tried to push those painful thoughts away. He placed his order for a spicy mocha with a shot of espresso and pan dulce. The first thing he did after sitting down was to break a piece off of his concha and dip it in to his mocha. The sweet bread absorbed the brown liquid and he placed the morsel on his tongue. The familiar taste helped to quell his uneasiness for a moment. Eddie got caught up with some paperwork but he would arrive soon. Buck hadn't thought out what he would say to him. He barely allowed himself to indulge in the habits that his father hated. It all was too anxiety provoking. His episodes were nothing like that were at 17 when he first went on SSRI's to control his anxiety and depression. He had to change them 2 or 3 times until he found the right combination. Getting through the day was hard even with the prescription drugs. Before Buck could continue to dwell on his mental health struggles, a familiar face stepped in to the cafe. Buck took a drink of his mocha and settled in to his seat. 


	4. Get Up Stand up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Interlude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is no freedom until we are all free. 
> 
> I live just north of Seattle and my office is in the Maple Leaf neighborhood. It appears that things have settled down a bit since the SPD have withdrawn from the East Precinct. There are folks who don't understand what the fuss is all about. It isn't about anarchy. The protest is about civil rights that are continually denied especially to Black people. 
> 
> For Pride Month and for BLM many folks have been looking for ways to help Trans BIPOC. You can donate to TWOC Solidarity Network or the Okra Project. It isn't cliche the uprising at Stonewall marks the beginning of the modern LGBTQIA movement. 
> 
> We have a long way to go. 
> 
> Lawrence v. Texas, 539 U.S. 558 (2003), was a landmark decision of the U.S. Supreme Court in which the Court ruled that American laws prohibiting private homosexual activity between consenting adults are unconstitutional
> 
> Obergefell v. Hodges, 576 U.S. 644, is a landmark civil rights case in which the Supreme Court of the United States ruled that the fundamental right to marry is guaranteed to same-sex couples by both the Due Process Clause and the Equal Protection Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution

Turning off the television Buck felt a tightness in his chest. He didn't know what he could do to change anything. The phone rang and Buck hit accept **"Hi Q baby. How's everything in the city?** "

Q, who he met back in his teens was still his BFF, began, **" Lovey there are ups and there are downs. Its just so hard sometimes. I want things to be different. I'm hopeful. I'm fearful. I'm despondent. The Martha Project is going well and we had a ball fundraiser plan before the Covid-19 stay at home orders. I want to do what I can to keep the doors open. It's different now that I'm in charge. MP saved my life. We provide housing, job training, medical care for LGBT teens and young adults, many of whom are BIPOC."**

Buck, **" I'm so sorry. I know that isn't even close to enough but just know that I love you Q and without you I wouldn't be here. Whatever you need just let me know. "**

Q inhaled loudly and said, **" I love you too Evie honey, always. I have to go now. Me and the kids are going to have a candle lit vigil at the high school for BIPOC who have have died or been injured while in police custody. "** Buck responded and hoped he sounded reassuring **, " Sure thing, stay safe."**


End file.
